** Yep, I’m kind of a jeenyus **

Author’s Note:

[Mike Casentini saw me onstage and was apparently moved to make sure we worked together.  I initially said no, I had just moved to L.A. & didn’t want to get too distracted w/ other things.  Then he saw me perform again and said, “You’re WAAY too sharp to NOT do this.“  I’m a sucker for flattery, so  I asked, “What can I write about?“  HIM, “Whatever you want.“  ME, “And can I NOT write if I don’t feel like it?“  HIM, “Sure, man. “ We ended up working together for a short film, “Lost: My Car Key”, that won a MySpace Emmy (whatever the hell that is), that you can watch here . My affiliation w/ the website went the way of the dinosaur many moons ago, but Mike & I remain good friends & still work together from time to time. Most recently, on his podcast, “Black & White With You & Me”, which has also started its own tar pit.]

LISTED CHRONOLOGICALLY BY TITLE, click ea to jump ahead:

• Prototype

• What Shouldn’t I Say?

• Personal Choice

• Whaddya mean, ‘What do I mean?’

• Comic vs. Actor

• Comic vs. Actor, Part Deux

• Old Lang’s Sign?

• Is the Sound of One Hand Clapping, Pornographic?

• Forgive, but Never Forget

• Wait for it…

• Fray over Frey

• Holy War, Batman!!

• I Hope St. Patrick Brings Me a Green Pony This Year

• May Flowers; Hay Fever

• Sigma, Upsilon, and Whatever the Greek Letter ‘V’ is Called


CHAOS THEORY: Prototype – [Back to Top]
“The views expressed in this column don’t even necessarily represent the views of the person expressing them. (i.e., me)”

Hello, known cyberverse. My name is Devyan DuMon. I may be a relative unknown now, but that name I just threw down .. learn it, live it, love it. Who cares if it’s spelled wrong and you yourself aren’t quite sure how to pronounce it. That’s okay though, I’m already broken in to that drama. In school, whenever we had a sub and she (I’m pronoun specific on that one; instead of using the general ‘they,’ because this is before it was socially acceptable to be a male sub that wasn’t really a convicted pedophile who self-relocated to get a fresh start and a fresh batch of pre-teen meat) was doing roll call .. I wasn’t Susie or Steve or Jonathan .. I was the long pause and furrowed brow, to which I instinctively at first, then habitually responded, “Here.” But I digress. “Why would he spell his own name wrong?” you should’ve thought. I did not, it’s simply a limitation of the iMac laptop I borrowed to type this up, and though known for it’s simplicity (Which I can’t stand, because I love to overcomplicate things and Apple technology fights this at every attempt.), it’s too early for me to figure how to do a damn French femmie “e” with a sash over it. I’m not trying to come off pretentious or bourgeois, on the contrary, I’m quite ghetto, just trying to get across what my mom did to me right out of the gate. No she didn’t make me gay, again contrary to assumption, I’m quite the hetero-stallion-poon-a-sseur. Sorry to tangent, but not really a fan of the laptop. Sure some people dig the hell out of them “They’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, the hottest thing since melted cheese, better than a freed slave that still doesn’t mind a little hard labor and gettin his hands dirty for a higher wage .. or even just a wage period.” (I don’t know if Mike C. put a picture of me up, but I’m Black, and in the rules of comedy I can say whatever I want without racial retribution. Except from other African-Americans that think my comments set us back or make it harder for us to move forward.) *note: I’m fully aware that I used Black and African-American in the same sentence, but that was to indicate a specific difference. Blacks are usually indifferent to socio-political-pc crap. African-Americans tend to lean towards a certain social attitude. If you meet a Republican of color, they’re probably African American. If you meet a Democrat of color, he’s probably Black. And if you meet a Liberal of color, he’s probably .. stoned. J/K Jeezy-creezy, all this back-pedaling requires more feet. :*end note– But me, I hate laptops. I’m an aggressive typer (But ladies, a gentle lover, unless of course you like it rough, in which case I can give you the deep-dickin you deserve) and there’s just not enough room for the flurry of phalanges I’m puttin down. The home keys are more like studio apartment keys. But as long as I’m accepted here, I’ll keep using one, or any other device I can use to share my particular brand of Chaos Theory™. (OK, no ™ yet, but it’s comin baby.)


CHAOS THEORY: “What Shouldn’t I Say?” – [Back to Top]

As a comedian, “What am I allowed to talk about?” Whatever I want. May sound like a generic response to stupid question. But it kept coming up in regards to a statement I made in the previous week’s column. I said, “Because I’m black I can say whatever I want without fear of racial retribution.”  I got:
– “Is that true?”
– “Man, that sucks.”
– “I wish I was black.”
All statements, comics and non, had to make about that concept. Fact of the matter is, you can guarantee, that when a performer gets on stage, if they are of a particular race, color, breed, whatever, some comments are going to be made to acknowledge that. What one in the industry fails to realize, and it’s so freakin a obvious, is that .. “IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, BUT HOW YOU SAY IT.” Now if you want to schedule a point in time where we can all go outside (taking into consideration the difference in time zones, I’m a huge fan of just going by Greenwich Mean) and collectively yell out DUH!!!!, I’ll be the one not outside, but under a table because that’s gonna be a major register on the Richter scale. But is it “DUH?” Let’s review using quotes (paraphrasing of course, cause this damn iMac won’t let me open up another window, so I can nail this puppy verbatim, without erasing my current project, i.e. this.), “It’s amazing to discover how much common sense really isn’t all that common.” I find that people tend to dismiss shiny nuggets of insight by simply stating, “Yeah, but that’s so cliché” SO WHAT!! Maybe it’s cliché because a lot of people (as in more than eleven-teen) find it to be an accurate assessment. Don’t dismiss it cause your grandmother said it once while hopped up on Jack-spiked eggnog over Christmas dinner. (beepbeepbeep … NEWSFLASH!!) She made it to ‘Grandma,’ so maybe you should listen to what the old bat has to say. Or, if you like, here’s one that’s more better. Not only has your Nanna told you, but Pappy, Mom, Dad, the really deep uncle that didn’t quite succeed the way he wanted to, but still everyone seems to love the hell out of him, because he knows where he went wrong, and instead of playing the blame game, has made peace with it, your teacher tells you, you see it on “The More You Know’s”, the Muppets, and some of the soft ‘n’ fuzzies from Sesame Street have dropped the knowledge on you, McGruff put his 2cents in, I believe the Negro from Reading Rainbow that went on to become a Space mechanic, got a word in edgewise, the guidance counselor would put a tattoo on her forehead if it went with her sensible shoes, Gandhi shouted it out from the mountain top, a maybe not so well-known man with humble beginnings as a carpenter who went on to become “the Christ” may have said a word or two that didn’t make the wonder-papyrus, and deep down we all know it to be true, we even tell others, but somehow find it difficult to maintain on a constant basis…”JUST BE YOURSELF.” Don’t say “I do.”, cause you don’t. Then again, maybe you do, I don’t know you. But here’s a quiz. Do people stop asking for your “honest” opinion, because they know you’ll actually give it to them? Will you stay in on a Friday/Sat nite if you don’t feel like going out, OR will you convince yourself you just may miss out on something? Have you wanted to leave a spiritually/emotionally bad relationship, but didn’t cause the sex was too good? Would you take a punch in the gut from a complete stranger whom you told was making a comment you didn’t quite agree with, and you felt most people wouldn’t, so you said that maybe he shouldn’t make it anymore, or at the very least think about what he’s saying? Don’t ask me what your answers mean. I ain’t you. You decide if you’re “keepin it real” or not. Maybe you’re keepin it real trendy, and that’s good enough for you. Maybe you’re a trend-setter, and you can’t help it if people wanna be like Mike, whatever. But when it comes to bein on stage, don’t try to figure out what the people wanna hear, and give it to them, because you can be wrong. No topic is taboo, wrong, or inappropriate, not even race. Just say what you feel is true, and they’ll receive it because it’s sincere. If your audience tends to get angry, then you’re coming from an angry place, and not putting the spin on it that makes something funny. Sure you’re keepin it real, but you’re still a comedian, ass-clown. Do your job. Maybe you don’t know how to make “real” funny, or the “surreal” relatable. Maybe the thoughts make sense in your head, but they come out all catawampus, and strange. Well, then you’re not a comedian. But you might become President (Good ol’ G-Dub). But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Personal Choice” – [Back to Top]

Well, Thanksgiving is right there on the corner and though I took a week off to have my stomach stretched by minor increments to prepare for the digestive beating I’m gonna take from Mamma Bea’s “Dinner Table of Doom,” I gotta say all in all I feel pretty rested. So right back on the typing train for me. I spent some time back in Arizona to finalize my move out to L.A., and in the back of my head I’m thinking, “Get your ass to a computer, you have souls to feed, minds to expand, contacts to make…,” but the Universe didn’t put that option in my path and forcing it, would’ve just added unnecessary stress. Now I’m not saying to put certain responsibilities on the shelf simply to enjoy life and stay in the moment, but also never deprive yourself of truly “stopping to smell the roses” because of something that can totally wait. I’m not changing lives or saving them, I’m just sharing ideas and insights I may have picked up while communing with Allah during my downward dogs, or while searching for the lime skittle that rolled underneath the entertainment center when I yanked the bag away from my niece. (She was being a glutton, and what kind of uncle would I be to let her indulge in one of the 7 deadly sins…I let it slide and next thing you know, she’s 18 and talking about how proud she is that all the boys in school like her and they get her tons of gifts, but she would make out with them for nothing because her idol, Paris Hilton, already has everything and she just likes to have fun, so she can just sit around and let all the boys come to her. Of course I won’t be able to tell her otherwise by then, because she’ll just get upset and kill me. All for a bag of skittles, and I ain’t down for tastin that kind of rainbow. Word.) For instance, it was pointed out to me that my bio has grammatical errors. Different should read different”ly” because it is modifying the verbs. I only made it worse by doing it 3 times in a row. But that’s okay, grammar schmammar. I don’t spell check, if I can’t spell it I’m not allowed to use it. (I mainly hate it because if I try to spell check my name, the first recommendation is “deviant” and that kind of juju ain’t good for my chakras or overall self-esteem.) If I want to use it, I’ll look it up, then everything’s five by five. But people try to judge and/or change you in slight and major ways. A conversation I’ve had:
– Other: How was the show last week?
Me: It went pretty good.
– Other: Well.
Me: Well what?
– O: The show went well.
M: Anyways, I was just saying…
– O: Anyway….there’s no “s” at the end.
M: (pause and blank stare) You know what? WHOM gives a shit?
On the judging side of things, I’ll refer to something I saw on “Tyra” recently, where she puts on ye olde Fat Suit and goes on some blind dates. Now these guys don’t know it’s Ms. Banks on the inside and simply see her and decide that this person isn’t their type. But she’s literally beautiful on the inside as it could be the case metaphorically. But the men are made out to be wrong in their flat out judgment based on superficial qualities. So what, as with anything, you should at least be civil and have some damn tact for Pete’s sake. A couple of these jokers just lost cool points for having no class. As soon as she showed up, one cat mumbled “Interesting, interesting.” He’s a douche bag. But for anyone to be made to feel guilty just for having a personal preference, no. Some people are too thin, but do we “tsk” at those that say so? Some people are too muscular, male and female, but no one pities them when they’re prejudged. “But some people can’t help being overweight, or black, or a dwarf, or mentally challenged, or in a wheelchair, or heterosexual.” To solidify my point. “Wow, this dress is hideous. The color burns my retinas, it’s cut is completely unflattering, there are way too many ruffles, it itched like crazy when I put it on, and it smells like formaldehyde. But you know what, I’m being unfair….I WILL wear it to prom.” (Thanx, Levada) If the reasons are simple…”I would just rather have a blue car over a red one.” Or complex….”My father was beaten and mugged by an Asian in a wheelchair, and since I’ve just never had a good experience to indicate otherwise.” It all comes down to personal choice. If it comes from a dark and unjust place it’s not your problem, that’s part of their path. They have to walk it and mature on it. You have to be strong enough to realize that it has nothing to do with you, even if it’s you they’re not choosing, because they don’t know you. You shouldn’t want to be with them because they’re not as open-minded as you are, but you can’t help it because they’re so damn hot. It goes both ways. Stop the pity party and know that your day is coming. I believe that it was a wise man by the name of Jason Lee reciting someone else’s words in the movie Vanilla Sky, that said “Without the bitter, the sweet isn’t as sweet.” There’s enough bitter in the world without us needing to be bitter about it. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Whaddya mean, ‘What do I mean?’” – [Back to Top]

There are many theories explaining the lack of general understanding among men. No, this isn’t going to be a sexually bias column preaching the empowerment of women. No, when I say “sexually,” it has nothing to do with the act of reproduction OR practice of reproduction with no real intent of making babies. (Wait for it.) Some would say it lies within the area of MIScommunication. Others say it’s the simple LACK of communication. I believe it’s the fact that we have to communicate, period. It’s been said that the only thing that separates man from animal is self-awareness on a sentient level. We “know” what’s going on. Yeah, that and we use deodorant. We don’t know crap. We think we know, and that’s what makes us really dangerous. If we could all just sit around a global campfire, and say “Wow, it is so awesome that we totally made it this far without igniting this particular part of the Solar System. We really gotta quit acting like we know what we’re doing, where we’re headed, and what’s it all about and just say ‘Hey, can everyone just admit that it’s all just a ballpark guess?’ and take it from there, s-l-o-w-l-y.” There was a minor example in the opening section of this column. Sure, I knew where I was headed, but depending on the personal viewpoint of the reader, I could end up anywhere. Not many people are gonna be as OCD as me and explain as they go, or be as neurotic and like me, interrupt someone else during a diatribe to make sure I’m keepin up. So what happens is, the speaker doesn’t say where they’re going, the listener doesn’t know where the speaker is headed, so “hears” where he thinks the speaker is coming from, doesn’t like the direction the speaker is taking, gets offended at what the speaker is implying, decides that if the speaker actually completes the thought “ALL WILL BE LOST” so the listener must act and shank the speaker in the kidney with a homemade shiv (sp?) out of a partially used toothbrush. (No need to carry on any further with the potential sequence of events from that point. If there were any witnesses or other “listeners” on the side of either of the parties, anything from a riot to a coup or your basic jihad could ensue.) We don’t have the same level of education. We don’t have the same cultural upbringing. We don’t speak the same language, even when we speak the same language. I haven’t even factored in the use of synonyms, allegory, metaphor, hyperbole, ever-changing slang, or simple sarcasm. So to assume to know the person really gets what we’re saying, and to assume that their questioning of what we meant, implies that they take the opposing viewpoint, is recockulous. I’ve actually witnessed two people arguing, listened to their points and had informed them that they actually agreed with each other; they were just coming at it from opposite sides, but still saying the same thing. To which one replied, “Well, alright then.” Which of course meant that he had “won.” The other was cool enough to let that slide. In the world of comedy, I’ve broken down some basic terminology that we performers take for granted. A friend asked how a show went, I said that I killed. They asked, “That’s good, right?” So I broke it down.
1a) “Man, I KILLED on stage.”………………………Good
1b) “Jeez, I DIED up there.”…………………………Bad
2a) “Bro, I BLEW IT UP.”…………………………….Good
2b) “Dude, I freakin BOMBED.”………………………Bad
3a) “Hey, I NAILED a hot Hawaiian in my VAN after the show……………………Great
3b) “Yeah, I got STABBED by a hostile Samoan behind a DUMPSTER after the show……….Not so much
Now I’m the first person to take advantage of a broad vocabulary, but I also won’t throw around the word “crimson” when “red” will do. Some will take the use of big words as an attack and others will feel the same with the use of small ones. If someone says “What did you just say?,” it may not be a challenge, but that they really didn’t hear you. Of course, it’s too late in evolution to find a way to remove language from global use and get back to jungle basics. Or if you’re a faith person, God scattered us about for a reason, so let’s just take our time in getting to a system of communicating we can agree on. I personally think Chinese is a beautiful language, and if words don’t work you can say it with pictures. (Mandarin over Cantonese, because it’s also one of my favorite oranges.) Besides, I’ve gotten use to general entertainment and the only two forms that would survive without language are porno and mime. (I’m also aware that dance could survive a language holocaust, but I don’t count it because I’m not gay.) So out of porno and mime, one’s totally freakin awesome, and the other’s completely lame. (You decide.) But they both involve a lot of make up and weird faces. So maybe not so different after all, but that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Comic vs. Actor” – [Back to Top]

Crossover. In the entertainment industry, it’s a good thing. As far as fans go, some will think you’ve sold out and damn you to commercial hell. Others will praise your diversity and be into you more, if possible. The people within are a different story. Some will see you as a poser that does what you do as more of a hobby than really “livin the dream.” Would you question a football player for being a corporate flunky in the off season? If you answered “yes,” funny, because that’s what it used to be like before one could make a living knocking dicks in the dirt for the people in the stands. That guy had to “sell out” during the months he wasn’t on a bus, touring the land for the thrill of the game, so that his family could eat. The thrill was allowing the primal instinct, that was being repressed by the evolution of society, to not only rage out, but to be celebrated. The reinvention of the arena warrior. Gladius Americanus. But I’m getting away from the point, and not in my usual method. You do what you gotta do to survive in this business, and if you can do it without steppin on toes, gooder for you. So where does the animosity come from? Mind you, it’s not a grand conflict that requires parties to pick a unifying color, or claim particular parts of town, but it’s there in the dark rooms (that are no longer smoky, thanks to Cali-law) creating tension. Why? Because of something known as “Saturation of the Art Form.” (Technically, it’s only known as that to me, but I had to give a name to the problem,. and all the people that’re doin the bitchin, only do it from a broad perspective, and have never really nailed down what their beef is. I say “their” because I don’t give a hoot (by the way, I DON’T pollute, and I think you don’t have to care about the environment in a way that involves recycling, but really….are we, as a species, STILL littering?) what you do to expand your horizons, or make a name for yourself, or simply play the numbers game of putting yourself in as many areas as possible and hoping that you’ll excel or just even be noticed, and begin the path to fame and fortune. The true Comic doesn’t like the Actor, who has been told that a really good way to increase stage presence, enhance personality, add to likeability, raise self-confidence, ease perceivable nervousness, going on to take a class to “learn” how to be funny, then crowding the already over-populated comic scene, making shows suck with the obvious lack of natural ability, and not only wasting the audience’s time by not being remotely entertaining, unless you’re a sadist that enjoys watching the slow death of someone on stage with a mic, but ALSO taking away time from someone that feels they could have really given the people a really good show. (Now THAT’S a run-on sentence, baby.) Within that, is another area of dissent….comics, not actors, that take classes to become “more” funny or hone their craft, instead of just puttin your stuff out there and figuring it out on your own, catering to a comedic society where “only the funny survive.” Some feel that you can learn “how” to tell a joke, but you can’t teach someone to be funny. You can build a Carson Daly, but you can’t grow a Johnny Carson. The actor already has learned that it’s a dog eat dog industry, and has already made peace with the aspect of competition, but I’m sure that particular Arteest wouldn’t mind if there were less comics that felt all it takes is an outgoing nature to be a good actor, and didn’t crowd the commercial auditions that actors need the $ from to survive until their “big break.” There are comics that can’t even appreciate the other styles of comedy out there. The one’s with a “voice” can’t tolerate the one’s that simply entertain the people without feeling the need to elevate the consciousness of the people. The ” I just wanna make ’em laugh” type. Jeez, I suppose the Three Stooges were huge satirists that spoke on many political topics, from civil rights to women wearing too much rouge. Bob Saget’s acting life, says nothing to his life as a comic. (Unless you count his cameo in Half-Baked.) Some of his fans find out the hard way during a show when they expect “Danny” and get not-Danny. (Yeah, I really overextended myself on that one.) Some walk out crying out of shock and disgust at the loss of someone they thought was a family man. Well he is….apparently just not yours. Jerry Seinfeld…..pretty even keel on the crossover. Some can do it and succeed, others learn a lesson. Let’s venture out of comedy….Bo Jackson– Michael Jordan, Jennifer Lopez– Brittany Spears, Mark Wahlberg– DMX. I’ve just realized that I can’t top this one off in a single installment, because certain doors are creaking open to a host of relatable topics and there’s a whole lotta random wantin to party, which reminds me….I didn’t just grab the concept of “Chaos Theory” because it sounded catchy and went with my particular style of “stream of consciousness communication.” Then I would have to call this “Chaotic Theory.” I’m truly a proponent of actual Chaos Theory. Some are only familiar with it peripherally, knowing it has something to do with the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in one area, causing some kind of wind related catastrophe in another area, really far away. There’s so much more. Feel free to check it out at   http://www.imho.com/grae/chaos/chaos.html
It’s a bit heady, I only care up to a point, but the underlying vibe I dig, is that even random isn’t so much after all. It (The big “it.”) all really comes down to, there’s a connection or there isn’t. One reason or none. Purposeful or Accidental. Given the option, I choose for things to matter in the long run. Longer than the amount of time I walk this rock. Call it vanity….call it humility, but calling it anything already turns it into somethin other than nothin. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Comic vs. Actor, Part Deux” – [Back to Top]

I’m supposed to continue expounding on the topic of what? Who cares?! Barely me.

When it comes to most things that happen in life, I try to stay “current.” Meaning, I don’t have any baggage. I try to go by the 3 L’s. I Live it, Learn from it, and Let it go. Even pertains to my thought process. Have you ever found yourself trying to figure out something you thought you already had a solution to? From something as simple as the order you want to pay this month’s bills, to the more complex….what’s for dinner tonight? You work it out….but like a song you get stuck in your head (tuneworm)….in creeps that voice…. “Yeah, but do I really wanna….” and there it is, YOU, questioning your own reasoning skills. The smallest seed of self-doubt. It’s part of the reason people ask you things twice. (Which bothers the crap outta me, because I’m “current.”) “Do you want to try some of this flan?” ‘No thanks.’ “Are you sure?” ‘Okay, maybe just a taste.’ Unless you’re having dinner with a Jedi, there’s no excuse for that. But until we can be firm with ourselves, we are like the reed that bends in the wind. (Dune, anyone?) Nothing wrong with being flexible, it’s how we can end up on little adventures, and be our own tiny Indiana Jones, discovering something new about ourselves. But for the most part, I prefer to follow the advice of the well-known guru, philosopher, motivational speaker, Garth, of Wayne’s World, who said, “Live in the now!” Don’t get caught up in your own daily crap that keeps you from avoiding the crap other people have clearly lost control of, and are now allowing to spill over into your “safe-zone.” Once you can get yourself in check….the rest of the world is cake. At the very least, it keeps you off the path to self-destruction……”Chiggity-check yoself, before you riggity-wreck yoself.” Truer words have rarely been spoken. Which I reckon can help me tie up the lose end of the whole “Comic, Actor” thing. (My apologies for the mess of last week’s column. It read like a term paper written at 4 A.M. I shall never mix heroin and gummy bears again. No, I don’t shoot up. I inject the bears. I’m not a fan of needles, and they don’t seem to mind. Pineapple’s actually kind of a fiend.) As far as a performer throwin heat down to another, a little advice I like to give to someone who seems to be overly concerned with the affairs of others…..”Worry about you, bitch.”(Let it be known that the person I am usually speaking to has fully functioning male genitalia. For a girl, I would use something softer like slut, or ho, or at the very most intense, a word from a fellow comic….donkey.) No point in taking up too much time to find sense in something that’s senseless. Yes, Actors can over-crowd the comedy scene, and Comics can over-crowd the audition room, but if you really have the talent, than go for whatever you think you can handle. Just know that you cannot serve more than one master. You have to decide what you do and what you dabble. With life, like with food, variety is better for you. On the flip, with industry, like life, you can spread yourself too thin. Trying so hard to diversify to increase your odds, may seem like a decent plan, but why do you do what you do? For the fame, the status? For the art, the freedom of expression? One can lead to disappointment, the other can as well, but only if you sell out. In the days of Silver Screen, the multi-layered performers were necessary, the movies had multiple layers. Now, instead of trying to appeal to everyone, you have a target audience. Some people want to go to the movies to escape real life and just be entertained. Others want a taste of reality and grit that maybe they’re not privy to, no “Hollywood, bullshit” for them. Same with comedy. As someone in the audience, do you wanna learn or just laugh? Maybe you don’t have a preference, you’re just glad to be away from the office and out of the house. A tabula rasa that a performer loves. As a performer, decide what you want out of the industry. Cause if you just wanna be loved and admired by many, and you don’t care how you get it, you don’t need an agent, you need a shrink. My advice to the “talent” out there…..”Worry about you, bitch.” Don’t take away from anyone else, just do your thing. You can’t tear anyone down without tearin it ALL down. We’re all too many piggies trying to suckle from not enough teats; if everyone’s fightin, nobody eats. (So many…metaphors…must…rest…) Unity is the answer. Support is part of the way. The bigger problems in the world didn’t start off like that. A machine doesn’t break down as a whole, it’s usually just a tiny part that someone overlooked. With that being said, let’s move on to some easier conflicts to settle….. CATS vs. DOGS….. Dogs. You can’t wrestle a cat, and the kind you can wrestle will more than likely kill you. Ask Siegfried…. or Roy, whatever. To-may-to, to-mah-to. DRUGS…..If you’re a child, don’t do them. If you’re an adult, don’t give them to children. It’s not cool. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Old Lang’s Sign?” – [Back to Top]

Happy New Year, bitches!!!! Well… not quite, but almost, and that’s just as good. I look forward to every new year the way I look forward to every Saturday. I don’t look forward to Saturdays as much as I used to, due to the loss of the “Saturday Morning Cartoon” phenomenon, nevertheless, the nostalgia is there. (Should I have used a semi-colon instead of nevertheless? Does it matter? Bet it don’t.) I watched –I “Heart” Huckabees–….I’m a little messed up right now. I have all this heavy duty philosophy dogma capoeira-ing in my soul. I’m sitting at a computer trying to produce, when all I wanna do is lie on the couch and be produce….”veg out” as it were. So with all that going on, let’s see if my fans wanna play ‘follow the leader,’ or if it comes off more like ‘keep away.’ Maybe if I stay on this path, I’ll find myself on the receiving end of ‘smear the queer.’ (Has PC reached recess yet? Are kids now playing ‘gently wrap up and lay to the ground the individual with a socially atypical personality’ or are we somewhere in the middle, but still playing it safe with ‘touch the homosexual?’) My movie marathon (Accidental, mind you. I was channel flipping and had never seen the last two on the upcoming list.) was “Huckabees,” the 60’s version of “Time Machine,” and ended with the “Incredible Shrinking Man.” (Which wasn’t about a swimmer in the Polar Bear Club.) With my mind in a “What’s man’s place?” place, I sat at the keyboard, and got lost on the way to Hotmail, on the information superhighway, visiting places I’m glad I got to go to. I read about Sarah Silverman as modest genius in this “Slate” article..
..& learned more about grammar misuse… (Let’s nail this coffin shut, cause I don’t want any more emails about how I said “this” wrong or I should’ve put it “that” way.) I’m all for higher education, but I flow this way on purpose. Leave it alone, or just leave. James Frey, who wrote the book about addiction, “A Million Little Pieces” broke all the rules of writing, including capitalizing random letters, punctuational Tourette’s, writing in just a nutty syntax in general. He’s the next fuckin J.D. Salinger. “Oooh, your writing style is so poignant.” Maybe he has no Literary skills, or his brain’s fried from all the crack he did and he didn’t wanna waste good scratch on an editor. He made Oprah’s Book Club for cripe’s sake. William Safire, a columnist for the NY Times states, “The word ‘hopefully’ has become the litmus test to determine whether one is a language snob or a language slob.” Normally, I don’t like to quote someone that has been referred to as a “curmudgeon,” but it’s perfect. If you use it correctly, you care too much, if you use it wrong, you don’t care enough. So, why bother? (Chances are, he didn’t mean it to be taken that way, but who cares what he thinks, someone called him a curmudgeon.) Don’t get all caught up in the technicals and miss the point. At times, I have a hard time keepin track of it myself. (i.e., now) I also came across a nifty little website concerning the general concept of philosophy. (See, I ended up where I started in the evening, and here in the article….patience moppets. Stay tuned, free-thinkers. In the new year, I plan to discuss the idea of comics as contemporary philosophers.) So step with me and Mr. Peabody now, into the way-back machine, to the beginning….”Happy New Year, bitches!!!!” I love using the word ‘bitch.’ It makes statements….tasty. “Have a nice day.” OR “Have a nice day, bitch.” I use it as a term of endearment. That’s why I don’t capitalize it. I don’t wanna give it too much power, it’ll become something else. I mentioned this roundabout in a previous column, but I’d never use it towards a woman. I feel if you do that, any stabbing that may occur is well deserved. My mother programmed me that way when I said it to her and she responded, “Unless I have ten titties, and a wagging tail, you better never part your lips to call me that again.” She said it with such a tone, that I instantly became aware of two things: 1) she meant it & 2) I was lucky that I made it out of that exchange without her slippered foot parting my ass like Moses parted the Red Sea. I even like the variation ‘bi-atch.’ Nothing makes cursing sweeter than adding syllables to create more emphasis. (Fuckin ‘A’ or Jesus ‘H’ Christ) Some feel cursing is the product of an uneducated mind, to which I reply, “Huh?” Others simply see it as a sign of immaturity, and I say unto them what sayeth unto me, “I’m rubber and you’re glue, blah-blibbity-blah.” Now onto what the idea of a “New Year” means….Nothing. I realize I go back and forth between “everything means something” and “none of it matters,” but that’s because I’m sick and need professional consult. Whenever I say ANYthing, it’s gonna be subjective. It only applies to what I happen to be talking about at the time. In this case, I want to impart that the cause of most New Year’s resolution failures come from the weight that people attach to them. “It’s my only chance to make a change. Now or never. Because it’s the New Year, I’ll really get it done, because it such a big deal.” Nope, that’s why it tanks. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Yeah, it’s a fresh start and all that bullshit, but to the year, not your life. Fine, make a list at the beginning of the year, but give yourself a broader time frame….”Things I’d Like to Accomplish in the Next 365 Days.” It all ain’t gotta be done by March, baby. Pace—your—self. Another line from “Vanilla Sky,” from Cruise to Cruz….”Do you remember what you told me once? That every passing minute…is another chance to turn it all around.” There’s ONE New Year’s Day. There’s like, 52 Saturdays. One’s obviously more forgiving when it comes to scheduling, allowing you to be more forgiving to yourself, if it hasn’t come to fruition by Spring. I say, “live in the now,” but you don’t have to cram a life changing decision into a single moment, or define who you wanna be in a list, on a yellow notepad. I know it aids in visualizing your goals and writing down things helps call them into the real, but that’s a “tool,” not the “way.” Those changes take time, so give them time. (“Baby steps, untie your knots.”)….of course, while living in the “now.” Ha!

So when the bell strikes midnight–
–And you’re stealing kisses, sipping bubbly, muddling way thru “Auld Lang Syne,”
When you inwardly ask, “How am I not Myself?” Know the answer will come in time.

• HARRY: What does this song mean? For my whole life, I don’t know what this song means. I mean, “Should old acquaintance be forgot.” Does that mean we should forget old acquaintances or does it mean if we happen to forget them we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them!?

• SALLY: Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway, it’s about old friends.

But that’s our Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Is the Sound of One Hand Clapping, Pornographic?” – [Back to Top]

“Where have all the Cowboys gone?” A good song. (Brought to you by the same woman that gave us the haunting theme from Dawson’s Creek.) Good song, great question.
Really just the same question we all ask ourselves at least once during our lives. “What happened to the good ol’ days?” Somewhen in our living, gets frozen into a part of us and there it is…the period we’ll refer to inwardly (outwardly when we’re drunk) and wonder when everything became so complicated. For one person, they’re eating Froot Loops in front of the T.V., watching cartoons in their underwear without a care in the world; they’re 10. Another person, it may be the exact same situation they long for, except they were 19. (Weed not necessarily a factor…but more than likely.) Thing is, it’s hard to vision the past without envisioning the future. In attempting to connect the two, you try to make sense of it all. You’ve just started philosophizing. Eventually you start going in circles, or you decide, “Okay, I’m being way too deep for no reason,” and you come back. Feet re-planted on terra firma. Well, imagine never coming back….that’s all you did. ALL day, EVERY day. You would be a philosopher. A philosopher isn’t someone that every once and awhile drifts off into lala land. They have a home there. Shop there. Have warrants there. Very hard to function in society when all you think about is none of “this” really mattering. That there’s a bigger purpose than simply running in the “rat race.” That’s one type. On the other end, you have the type that have deduced, none of it matters, so we might as well bring back the whole “rape and pillage” thing cause there’s no point in organized anything. (Yeah. Don’t party with that guy….he’ll just harsh your mellow.) Either extreme view you take, there’s no money in it. Unless you’re a teacher and even then, not much. (But they don’t do it for the money. They do it for the poontang. Even the women. Yep, most women philosophy professors are lesbians. They tested it out. I saw it on Mythbusters.) So, if your path takes you to a place where you “gotta break it down,” then here’s your mantra should you ever doubt yourself. “I’m broke, therefore I am.” Like a comedian. Some were talking about comics being contemporary philosophers, and I agree, but only to a degree. Philosophy is about getting to the intrinsic values of existence. Comedy rarely allows one to dig as deep as one needs to go to get there. After all, you want them laughing, not pondering. Yet, there are those that can do it. Staying away from ones that play mainly in the field of politics, George Carlin and Marc Maron are two that immediately come to mind. From what I hear, Bill Hicks may have had a thing or two to say about man’s purpose. Here’s the kicker…. a comic that has an insightful perspective on things and has material that isn’t derivative or “hacky” (Which I feel that calling something or someone “hack” is becoming hack. They say if it’s worth something, it’ll stand the test of time. Trial by fire. If it’s not worth a damn, it’ll pass….”Worry about you, bitch.”) will completely have the audience vibing with what he’s saying and where he’s going with it. They not only get it, but agree. Their laughs confirm it, their applause enforces it. But when it’s all said and done, they don’t hold onto it, because of the venue. It was entertainment. None of it can really apply in the real world can it? The falcon carrying your message got hungry and ate it. Comedy got you to where you can share your ideas, but because it’s comedy….it’s only good for its funny. That’s a paradox and a big ball of suck. So you convince yourself that you’re not trying to save the world, you’re only trying to save your soul. Or at least your sanity, by getting some of your ideas out. Personally, I don’t have a soul OR sanity. You could hit me as hard as you want with a big silver crucifix and all you’ll get is candy….and bad karma. In summary, whether you’re a comedic philosopher, or just a philosopher, or the occasional afternoon daydream dabbler, try not to take yourself too seriously. If it helps you deal with everything that’s goin on in the present, fine, run with it. You could round up all the people with the basic theories of existence, and representatives from the religions abroad, get em all on a Greyhound, run it into a propane tank, wait for whatever’s gonna happen to happen, so that one of you can stand up and yell, “See guys, what’d I tell ya. Was I right, or was I right??” (Unless, that pillage guy was right and nothing happens, in which case he won’t say anything. Not because he’s modest, but because he was right. But then there’s that other dude that says we each create our own heaven and he’ll just notice everyone else is gone, know they all went to theirs and pat himself on the back. Everyone else unaware of his theory, who finds himself alone, will just figure no one else was holy enough to make it. Thru this, that first guy will still just be dead.) See what this philosophy shit does to you? Look, if this is your thing, check out this site: • PHILO-SOPHISTRY • -Go there or not, the guy’s name is Phil Dhingra, and he’s a pretty heavy cat. He has this to say about the topic of philosophy…” I make no claims that what I’m doing is truly philosophy. I recognize that what I will say and what others say is just humanistic fun arguments with varying degrees of advanced style. I’m allowing everything here to be labelled as a rant, as most everything really is. Everybody has an opinion, and every opinion is motivated by human biases. There is content and worth in every point of view, from Bush to the pundit.” (He just totally slammed Bush.) Whether you’re an intellectual, “I think, therefore I am.”– or more basic, “I stink, therefore I am.” — it shouldn’t matter who you are, where you are, or why you are. Just be glad you be. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Forgive, but Never Forget” – [Back to Top]

“Tookie” Williams (the Crip that reformed in prison, but was still put to death) could’ve used some of that 9/11 philosophy on his side. It was an American mantra for awhile there; Tookie didn’t take out nearly as many people as Osama did. So, why didn’t that way of thought apply to him? He was doing some positive for society by that point; he obviously wasn’t the same individual that was put behind bars. We could’ve let him out on some kind of “You can live as long as you behave” kind of program. Set the man free, but if that brother so much as jaywalked … BAM!!!! No mas. Sure it’s ongoing rehabilitation, but it’s one helluva way to keep someone on the path to betterment. Not just for himself, but for society at large. He wasn’t just a ‘nicer guy’ towards the end. He was working for the greater good. He couldn’t get some leeway? The man was a Nobel Peace Prize nominee. Had he won, they definitely wouldn’t have killed him. (So Hollywood, when someone says… “It just means something to be nominated”… no, it doesn’t.) Maybe it was a slow ‘peace’ year and it was between Tookie and a guy from some bar who jumped into a shoving match between two lesbians and said, “Hey! Do we really wanna do this? Now let’s kiss and make up.”….”No, really, could you two kiss?” Also, had he put an end to “gangs” period, yeah, also a plus; all he did was preach a better way to live. I coulda told you that wouldn’t be enough. I could tell you a story about another man, or Son of Man, that preached a better way to live; that maybe life would be easier if we all just laid our weapons down and loved one another. I don’t recall the Romans granting clemency in that case, either. Of course, Jesus wasn’t on death row for murder. He never hurt anybody. (Unless you count the cats he tossed out of the synagogue for peddling their wares.) But wasn’t that the point; he died for what WE did? Oh, and Jesus was black. OK, maybe not black, but he definitely wasn’t white. Point is, he didn’t do anything wrong, in the literal sense of the word. (or the Word, whatever.) He was crucified for basically being a blaspheming witch. Kinda like Joan of Arc. Didn’t pay to have a “J” name back in those days. Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Lot’s wife, the one that turned into a pillar of salt? Her name was Jessica. (True story, I asked Jeeves. I ain’t totally not making that up.) Two Superbowls ago, we almost crucified Janet; treated her like she was a jezebel. It wasn’t even her fault. It was her tittie, and the one who set it free was Justin. All I’m sayin is that “J” names are bad juju. Oh, and George Bush. Technically, he doesn’t count; his name only has a “j” sound. That, and he actually is evil. OK, that could be an exaggeration. He may not set out to do bad things, but bad things seem to occur because of him. But what do you expect? They say “idle hands are the devil’s playthings.” Could it be that an idle mind is the devil’s playground? Possibly, but that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Wait for it…” – [Back to Top]

So I’m out meeting a buddy of mine and he says, “Hey, I’d like to introduce you to an old girlfriend of mine.” I’m thinking, “Wow, I guess you can still be friends with an ex.” (It’s not really customary to take a booty call out for lunch, but to each his own modus operandi—Mind you, this dude isn’t “metro” that he refers to chicks he hangs out with a girlfriends…he just considers those un”tapped” resources.) So I ask him, “How long have you guys been broken up? He says, “What? No I just met her…”

That’s when I look up to see a grey haired lady approaching the table. THAT’s what he meant…she was actually an OLD girlfriend. I don’t mean like “the Graduate” Mrs. Robinson, hot, older. I mean like “Harold & Maude,” withered, just old. Like before sex, when she asked if he had a Trojan, she actually meant a soldier from ancient Troy . She wanted a 3-way. (Don’t get me wrong, I believe May-December relationships are okay….But Baby New Year, Father Time, not so much.) Some of you are thinking, “Hey, the older the berry, the sweeter the juice.” 1st off, it’s “the DARKER the berry, the sweeter the juice.” As a black man, I hate when people take our shit and twist it up. (But that’s a completely different rant.) But to stick to the previous metaphor….even wine only ages so far, and that’s if it’s corked and remains unopened. 40 year old virgin, hot in theory. A woman in the range of her sexual peak w/ the awkwardness of a 16 year old, sounds like good stuff. We saw what Hollywood did with it. (If it had been done with a woman that movie would’ve lasted 5 min. Min1, introduction of characters, Min2, find a guy who’s willing-not a problem- Min3, sex scene-would’ve lasted 2 minutes max~NO EDITING~ Min5, credits.) Besides, thanks to Oprah, 40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20. So by the transitive property: if a=b and b=c, then a=c, then 58’s the new 18, and that’s kinda hot. Only if she’s a virgin. But you DON’T open a bottle of wine, have a glass, then take it down to the basement for a couple or 20 years. Try drinkin that and you’re askin for bad juju. In the statement, “the older the berry, the sweeter the juice,” older means ripened. Huge difference between noshin on a handful of juicy grapes and nibbling on Nana’s raisins. I guess a more apropos association would be plums and prunes, but from a comedic standpoint, too easy. Then I’d pay the price by ending up in a really dark place. “Yeah, I know Maude’s a little willowy and slightly the worse for wear, but she’s got a young spirit and I love her. Plus, when I go down on her, it keeps me regular.” (See, what’d I tell ya?) A friend has this to offer on the topic of age not having relevance in the relationship world. If you don’t make it a big deal, “#1, no one can pre-qualify or disqualify you based on what you SHOULD know, they only have to go by what you DO know.(Word.) #2, by not letting others put you into an age category, it allows you the freedom to do the same for them, which in turn gives them an opportunity to live outside the box if they choose to. (Worder.) So what that means is whether you are connecting with a group of people (like an audience) or just one person, that connection has nothing to do with how old you or they are, but WHO you or they are.” So now I wanna give a personal shout out to Ms. JenBeth. She doesn’t need a PHd in having shit figured out, cause you can’t be taught insight, you either have it or you don’t. Kinda like the force. I don’t care how much bodily fluid Han Solo and Leia exchanged, he ain’t ever gonna lift an X-wing out of a swamp. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Fray over Frey” – [Back to Top]

I type this while sitting in front of the television, transfixed by the displays of athleticism, determination, and belief in one’s self during the Winter Olympics. The Olympics. A period of time when the countries of the world put aside their differences and conflicts to come together in the name of peace and goodwill to compete and show DOMINANCE in ANY given event over ALL other nations. It’s beautiful (because I find irony attractive). But let’s go back to the idea of “belief in one’s self” and step into the ring…Normally I don’t like to revisit prior topics, unless merited by comments received concerning those topics, but I can’t seem to sit still on this one. James Frey, the author of “A Million Little Pieces,” got a dig from me in regard to his writing style and how it blows that one can be rewarded for their choices (i.e. him) while another can be criticized (i.e. me). With everything coming out the way it has about him and his book, (if you don’t know what I’m referring to…get your D.J. Google on, Wiki-Wiki) you’d think I’d throw out a “See, I told you he was a punk!” and do a little dance. On the contrary, I am coming to his defense. Why? Because I can. So what’s the hullabaloo about? He lied about some of the events he wrote about. Which changes the classification of his book. He involved Oprah in his “farce.” You do NOT dick with Oprah. (Solely “dicking” her is to your own discretion.) My position is as follows: Whether Frey’s writings were fiction or fact, whether he took artistic license or outright lied, whether the events he chronicled really happened or were real as they happened to him, whether the book he wrote was different from what he intended it to be….of ALL the things the book should have and shouldn’t have been, it never strayed from it’s existence. It was a book. Take all the bullshit politics of classification and promotion, and choke on them. The man wrote a book. All his current drama could’ve been avoided, if when asked “So all this really happened to you?” he had just responded, “Well, sorta.” If it was a good read, and had some statements to make, it would have stood the test. But he didn’t, so poor him. So I guess one could say that I’m not so much defending Frey, as I am the work. People were touched by the book. Were reached. Were influenced. Were inspired. Were acknowledged. But all of that has to come tumbling down because someone made a poor business decision? Screw that. If you liked it, keep liking it. If someone said you should read it, put down the crack pipe and smoke up some literature. If it gave you hope, don’t stop driving forward because Oprah had to do her share of public backpedaling. Is the Bible fiction or non-fiction? (Gee, that’s kind of a ginormous question.) Point is, it doesn’t matter. (At least in the context of what I’m getting at.) Most can attest to the fact that believing in it, doesn’t take away from the life lessons or social commentary prevalent in the Bible. Belief only influences the weight in what you take away from it. Are teenagers upset when they come to realize that Jack never really bought magic beans? Should schools, before embarking on the lessons given to man by Aesop, clearly state, “Kids, for the record, none of this really happened”, for fear of class-action suits from parents whose kids came home and were jazzed to learn what talking animals can teach about man and how he behaves with others? Sure some part of us feels a little taken advantage of when we think about how many years we went, blind to the reality of Christmas Eve. Or maybe we don’t feel hoodwinked at all. Why? Cause in the grand design of things it doesn’t even matter. I’m sure the first couple of days or weeks, as a child, when I first learned the truth, were filled with suck, but I moved on. Seeing as I perceive the World as it is today, to still be in a child-like stage, I’m sure we’ll learn that it truly matters not how we come to the wisdom that lights the tunnel towards the future or become the strength the bears the weight of a heavy tomorrow, but the fact that we reach and are those things, kicks the most cosmic ass. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Holy War, Batman!!” – [Back to Top]

I told myself that this week I was gonna keep it light and fluffy. But after watching the Oscars, I feel that there’s plenty of fluff circulating in the Universe for me to throw down a political rant and have it all balance out. Besides, Jon Stewart hosted, (kicked ass) and he’s genius with political humor; this is homage to that mighty, funny Jew (but I do promise to throw in some fluff at the end)…. I realized recently that George W. came really close to putting the U.S. in a holy war. There are obvious political reasons both sides are fighting for. But the reason they got that whole “suicide bomber” thing on lock, is due to their religious beliefs. In their eyes, not only is God on their side, He will actually reward them for destroying us, while destroying themselves. In a time of war, to be a soldier with a Christian background rocks. You can ask a good ol’ country boy why he takes up arms, and he states with twang in tow, “I just wanna say that I fight to protect, because Jesus has taught me that all life is sacred. Which is good cause it backs up the fact that I believe MY life is sacred.” But with all Bush’s talk of God wanting us to fight this war to put an end to evil, he’s saying that what they believe in is evil. Now I’m no theologian, but I’m pretty sure they don’t pray to a god named Henry or die for the will of Zeus. Their god is actually kind of current and there are a lot of good people that follow him that get alienated. So when Mr. Bush opens his mouth without taking that into consideration and acknowledging it, he almost makes this a “My God can beat up your God” thing. I just think Bush was trying to generate support by distracting us from certain policies that people couldn’t get behind and pulling the God card. “If you don’t believe in this war, then you don’t believe in Jesus. And not believin’ in Jesus is un-American.” What!?! Sometimes “his” distraction techniques aren’t too stable. Hell, most of the time, they’re downright Jello. Like when the threat of chemical attack was the “big thing” at the time, he attempted distraction with the promise that everything would be okay as long as we had duct tape. “In case of chemical attack, have plenty of water and duck tape.” Although, I can see the practical uses for having duct tape in that kind of situation. You can use it to cover the mouth of the person screaming bloody murder or the mouth of the one who’s REALLY flipped out and is trying to eat someone after only 5 minutes of being cooped up. It’s also good for when you run out of toilet paper, cause then you can just tape up your pooper. I mean it’s not really for sealing up the house, because if that were the case, he would’ve also mentioned to shut off the AIR CONDITIONING. Dumbass. Don’t say, “Well, he didn’t say that cause it’s obvious.” No. We live in a world where we have directions on the back of shampoo bottles, followed by: “For external use only.” Cautions on cleaners telling us: “Do not ingest.” People doing “obviously” dumb shit on T.V. have to say, for liability reasons, “Don’t try this at home.” This is America. We don’t assume shit. Now onto the fluff….I heard someone say that the reason they were such a health fanatic was because “the body is a machine.” Yes the body is comparable to a machine, and you should maintain it. (Exercise.) You can even be a little rough with it to break it in. (Have crazy sex.) But don’t try to improve it from its basic design. Unlike cars, there’s not gonna be a new model every 5 years. Still, like a car, keep it simple….Don’t stink up the interior, and try not to wreck it. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “I Hope St. Patrick Brings Me a Green Pony This Year” – [Back to Top]

Ya know, if it weren’t for the “holidays,” I don’t think I’d really keep track of where we’re at in the year. Every month has something for you to go, “Oh, is it May already?” I actually received a Mother’s Day card, last year. That’s because I’m one Bad Mother Fu….”Shut yo mouth!”….I’m just talkin’ bout me. This month, of course, is St. Pattie’s Day, the day where you’ll get pinched, if you don’t wear green. I purposely don’t wear any, cause it’ll be the most action I’ve seen in a long, long time. It was in a bedroom far, far away. (Star Wars reference necessary? No. Enjoyed? Definitely.) Some treat it as a day of celebration, but not really a holiday. (which is just a change up from ‘holy-day’) There was a time in recent history when pubs used to be closed in honor of it. Imagine the riots that would take place, if that happened today. Millions of people freaking out, because they couldn’t get completely hammered….and that’s just the Irish. Of course, on St. Pat’s day, everyone’s a wee bit Irish. I’m gonna be 200%, cause I’m from Dublin. (“Doubling”- HA! Brilliant!) Funny, I really can’t drink Guinness, though. I just can’t put anything in my mouth that’s darker and stronger than me. (The same philosophy will also be applicable should I ever end up in prison.) But I still wanna participate in the world famous ‘Guinness Toast,’ so I drink what’s known as a ‘Black Velvet.’ It’s half Guinness and half pear cider. So it’s mostly bad ass, with a hint of gay. Like Ryan Seacrest. (Kidding folks, he’s in no way, “bad ass.”) I suppose the reason everyone’s “Irish” on that day, is to support the irony that Saint Patrick, himself, wasn’t. He was born in Britain, and was kidnapped by Irish raiders. But he got them all drunk and escaped. The raiders, upset that he got away, were still stoked at the awesome party he threw, so they made him an honorary mick and celebrate it once a year. (Like YOU know.) So, if Ireland’s finest can accept an English holy man, maybe the rest of us can get on board with a black Jesus. (I don’t know why you fight it, the people in Israel are brown now, they were brown before. “Oh we’re not saying everyone was white…just Jesus.” So one white man, sent to a land of brown skins to lead them….like Tarzan. I guess Tarzan sounds a lot better than ‘Jungle Jesus.’) There’s no point in arguing it, it is what it is. No one is gonna be better off having Jesus on “their team.” We all have our particular brand of cool. I hate the fact that there’s beef between Irish and Scottish. I think they both rock. I caught an argument between them once at a bar. (I’m gonna be dialect savvy, so beware.)
– Scotsman: Fook ye, weer coolerr!
 Irishman: Nae troo, we arr coolerr than ye!
– Sman: Oh yeah, we goot William fookin Wallace, fooked up the Anglish.
 Iman: Is that roit? We got the IRA, they’re STILL fookin up the Anglish.
– Sman: Whale, weev goot Sean fookin Connery, James fookin Bond.
 Iman: Is that roit? Weev got Colin Ferrell…he wooz in SWAT, Daredevil AAAND Moiami Voice.
– Sman: Fook ye, we invanted goolf.
 Iman: So what, we invented drreenkan.
– Sman: Fook that, ye dinnae invant drreenkan!
 Iman: Is that roit? Then why arr we so gooot at it then?
– Sman: That fookin dussit! Yourr arse is moin!
It was at this point, the Scottish guy was about to punch the Irish guy, to which I stepped in and stated that they were both drinking Guinness, so maybe they weren’t so different after all. (It was at that point, they both began to kick MY ass, but afterward we all took turns buying each other pints, and laughed about the whole thing.) It was the poet and philosopher, Homer who said….”Beer. The cause of and solution to ALL of man’s problems.” (Homer Simpson, but really, what’s the diff?) Well, this St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Friday, so without the having to work the next day for most of America, I expect there to be tons of shenanigans, to say the least. I plan to turn in early, so that when good ol’ Saint Pat comes down the chimney, I’ll have a warm shot of Jack, and a plate of potato chips waiting for him. I may rethink the whole “green pony” thing though. Otherwise there’d be a lot of weird crap to deal with….literally. But that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “May Flowers; Hay Fever” – [Back to Top]

Great, now that the April showers are over, May flowers are here. A good thing, right? Not if you have asthma. Which I do. So, it just shows to go ya (intentional) that no matter how things seem like they’re supposed to improve, there’s always some wiener to remind you that behind every silver lining, there’s a big shiny orb ready to do its part in the fight against the lack of cancer. (Two things: 1- I actually don’t have asthma anymore, I grew out of it. And it wasn’t the weak, simply wheezy kind. It was the knock you out, almost died, placed on breathing machines kind. 2- This isn’t the actual topic of my column this installment…. Just wanted to do a kind of “cyber- psyche!!!!” to all of youse out there. I remember as a kid, note writing, and we used to spell it “sike” cause we had no clue. I think I’m gonna start using that again…. PSYCHE!!!! It’s a helluva lot better than “NOT!!!” or “AS IF!!!” or “SHYEAH, RIGHT!!!”) But since we’re being nostalgic…. Remember, Women, when being pretty used to mean that you didn’t have to do anything? Only the ugly girls had to actually try to get and try to keep a man. Not anymore. And all it took was a handful of “hot” chicks with low self-esteem to change things. That and alcohol….ah, the mighty equalizer. Makes ugly girls pretty, pretty girls easy, easy girls….mine. (But I’ll share.) Guys—well it just makes guys, “cooler.” Whatever “cool” happens to be at the time. Alcohol isn’t always the factor these days. It was just a huge part of the slutty revolution. Now women don’t have to be hammered anymore. Mainly because you’ve finally realized what men have been trying to tell you for years…. “Being slutty is FUN!!!” You’ll go out w/ your girlfriends, just have a couple of drinks, and it’s like playing Wheel of Slutty. One night it’s Boobs on Parade, next time it’s Bootypalooza; you’re all seeing who can “drop it the hottest.” And it doesn’t matter what religion you are. Christian: Jesus knows you’re not a slut in your heart, it’s just good fun. Catholic: Confession on Sunday, done. Jewish: Doesn’t matter, you’ll feel guilty no matter what. Hindu: Karma- if you’re mean, you’ll come back as a slutty donkey. Nice…. a slutty butterfly. Mormon: What the fuck are you doin out of the house!? You know people are havin fun out there! What were you drinkin, a soda? You’re screwed. I’m telling Mr. Smith. While we’re on the topic of women, I’ve noticed some women are HI-maintenance, some are LO-maintenance. I like my women NO-maintenance. When it comes to relationships, I’m kind of like a slum lord…. I’m putting no effort or $ in the up-keep. Sure, I’ll come around every now and again to check the pipes, make sure the hedges are trimmed. If you complain….evicted. Threaten to go to the cops, I’ll set you on fire and collect the insurance. Okay, that analogy maaaay have gotten away from me, but that’s just my Chaos Theory.


CHAOS THEORY: “Sigma, Upsilon, and Whatever the Greek Letter ‘V’ is Called” – [Back to Top]

With summer upon us, (and by “us,” I mean the Northern Hemisphere, or even for the purpose of this column, I mean the United States) travel abounds. (Those of you that see and appreciate what I just did, God bless. It’s one thing to be a genius, but to recognize it in others, is a gift in itself. Word.) So how are you and yours gettin around town? No, wait. Screw that. Let’s not just focus on the aspect of vehicle choice in the realm of vacationing. I choose to comment on the ride you own full time….yum, now that sounds like a topic I can sink my teeth into….incisors activate. Did you know that owning an SUV costs you an extra $1,000 a year in gasoline? That statistic was created before the nouveau-plateau of fuel prices. That alone is reason enough for me to piss on the notion of buying a dragon on dubs. [Note: the following diatribe has nothing to do with the fact that I own a motorcycle and in rush hour traffic, SUV’s look like the giant mammoths in LOTR: Return of the King, and are equally as deadly. This is more of a statement coming from the part of me that is extremely practical and hates to see continual waste. I do turn the water off while I brush my teeth, go back into a room I’m no longer using and turn off the light, think about what I want before I open the fridge, and although my pseudo OCD isn’t so bad that I subscribe to the “if it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down” school of behavior, I am conscious of the little things I do that could be taken for granted if I wasn’t careful. (Side-sidebar: I don’t think the whole yellow/mellow thing has less to do with being enviroconscious and more to do with being a broke-ass college kid.)] Now there are some that believe that owners of SUV’s are supporting the war in Iraq. Not the case, but it’s definitely not helping any. Oil is a big part of it and if we didn’t need it, it wouldn’t be an issue. Don’t wave the “freedom” flag at me. Many a fucked up thing has been done under the guise of freedom. That’s just the nature of the beast. I don’t care how hungry I am, I wouldn’t kill a man for a bullshit sandwich. But I find myself getting all tangentalicious….back to the practical….Do you really need the SUV? (1)“It shows I’ve arrived.”- You know what else shows you’ve arrived? The bus, or anything else you ARRIVE in. (sorry, that was too easy when you diddle with semantics) Who cares if you’ve made it to the top? Not them, they hate you. You’re just takin’ up space. Either they’re jealous cause you worked harder or spiteful cause you came up too easy. You know what you’ll see at the top? Clean air. But for some reason, it still smells like bullshit. Maybe at some point you realized that you just followed a trend. Like bellbottoms and afros, & at some point, you’ll look back and go, “Wow! What was I thinkin!?” But bellbottoms and afros, didn’t fuck up the quality of life for others. Pollution, resource wars in other countries, and rifts between Americans. Of course Afro-sheen didn’t help the ozone any, so if you had an afro in the 70’s and maintained it, fuck you too; you murdered the Glaciers. (2)”Roads are harsh.”- Tell that to the Settlers of the West. They made roads….in covered wagons. Wooden wheels, no shocks, & springs under the seats?….Maybe. And they did it with only 2 horsepower, 6 if they had arrived. (3)”I have a big family.”- Unless you have a BIG family, still unnecessary. You’re just putting more distance between you. When I was a kid, I was the eldest of six, and being in the car sucked, but at least we interacted with each other. It wasn’t just another place to watch TV. (4)”S.U.V.” Sport: Yeah, right. The only sport you’re concerned with is the “rat-race” you’re trying to win, but it doesn’t matter who wins, EVERYBODY loses. (ie. We all die anyway.) Utility: If you’re utilitarian, I’m a fuckin redhead. (which isn’t too far-fetched, Malcolm X was actually a redheaded Negro) [Definition: stressing usefulness over beauty or other considerations] I’ve seen these people slow down over speed bumps. They should be hanging out of the window, yelling down at it….”Take that you sonovabitch! You tarmac-tumor! Daddy’s arrived!” They’re not doing shit with these vehicles. The most off-road action they see is when they curb-check a sidewalk cause they misjudged the mass of that metal monstrosity. “Oh my god, I hope that didn’t ruin the suspension. I’m gonna have to take it in. On-Star, can I get a self-diagnostic report?” “This is On-Star, Reporting: Yes, you’re a self-important asshole, and if I were you, I’d be ashamed I wasn’t more self-aware and at first opportunity, I would kill myself.” To everyone else: those w/ Hybrids, those with respiratory conditions, those who carpool, the environment and the future in general, you don’t own an SUV, it’s an FUV. Fuck “U” for drivin it, and Fuck Us cause you’re drivin it. Though I will say that I’m not so much worried about the environment or the planet really. George Carlin said it best, when he stated that when Mother Nature gets fed up, she’ll just speed up and spin us the fuck off, but more on that topic later. See ya next Bat-time on this Bat-channel for my Chaos Theory. (that some have expressed, comes off a little batty…..HA!….genius)


**And contrary to the that last salutation…this was when the website was no mas. I was overwhelmed when those said I should “Keep going” and “Dude, I fucking look forward to this!!” I truly considered it … but realized I would be doing it more for them, than for myself. I am a sucker for flattery. So I took some time and wrote personal “thank you’s” to all who followed, commented, offered up topics, blah blah blah and said my farewell. I had a good run and it was nice to “flex those muscles,” but other fish to fry, mountains to climb, and all that jazz. Hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I did reminiscing over them. Who knows, maybe a book in the future? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.**